اللغات

Oh, the languages I could take. But, which to take? I'd take two classes; I'd have to. German? French? Chinese?

Motivations. I want mine to be pure, especially regarding this choice. Why would I want to take German? It sounds awesome and I would sound awesome. I could communicate with Laura. But, Jonathan knows German, and I could impress him. Deep down, I think that's a thought. No, get out. 

Chinese. Exo-M sings in Chinese. I could understand their songs. I could communicate with Chinese students on campus. I could travel to China and Asia. I could get a job with the Department of Defense. I could understand Yixing. Lame.

French. French, though. (Exasperated sigh.) I could understand people in Lebanon, those who do not speak English. I would sound beautiful and foreign speaking French. I could sound snotty, too. It would be a really beautiful language to learn. It would. Should I learn French? Lord? What could You use the most in the near future and in the far-away future? What wouldn't I use to glorify myself?

Wisdom!

Progression

I just feel like crying. Like crying and wearing a hoodie. To be warm and held by the fabric and cry. To cry like a Korean drama actor, letting the tears well up in my eyes until the spill out and down my face. To cry without worrying how I look. To cry to let it out. To let out this hurt. To let out my discouragement. To let out all. 

But now, tears don't come. Praise the Lord. Wouldn't that be awkward and strange? This Katniss-dressed girl crying in the middle of the Barnes and Noble cafe, surrounded by people. Oh, gosh. Lord, save me. Help me do homework, I pray. Hallelujah. Amen. 

All I Need Is You, So Tell Me What to Do

"...Cause you drive me crazy."

I'm meeting with a friend today. Really, the last time I set aside time to speak with her, we were talking about a boy. A boy who strung me around, a boy who wanted to have coffee with her, just as friends. I trust my friend, but also know that she and I have a different dynamic with boys. I think she's great; that she can enjoy boys just as her brothers and be friends with them. But that also intimidates me and sort of scares me, I think, because I am not that way. I enjoy boys, of course, but am less apt to initiate anything, especially one-on-one friend time. I seem to always think about chemistry. That's a bit stressful. I feel sort of negative, too, towards my friend, like she wants me to be more like her--maybe I need to be, maybe I don't--but I don't understand her way around boys. Is she nervous around them at all? Does she think about the possibility of romance with them when she's with them? Confusing. 

But, she enjoys me, and I really want to love her, serve her, and enjoy her in this time that we have together. That is my prayer. Oh, Lord. 

She lives in a different state now, going to school there, and I want to ask her about her life there and enjoy her like a good movie or book, like what Donald Miller says--but more, more than a good movie or book. Because she's a person, more diverse and complex and simple than a movie or book. So, that's my prayer, too. Hallelujah. 

I'm just nervous. Hold me, Lord. Amen. 

At the Bux. 

Writing at the Bux

Cornerstone

In one ear and put the other, 

All of this advice. 

"Stay aways" and "bootycalls"

But still I thought you were nice. 

Getting involved, planting myself;

So much harder to be uprooted,

And so painful, too. 

Tearing up roots, but some still remain. 

Why?

The aftermath, oh, the aftermath!

Building up after tearing down!

Keeping relations with everyone

But you. 

I could call you names

(At times I do),

But truth is this:

We both need grace. 

And as I go to this church,

I am reminded of you inevitably. 

I am still hurt and pained. 

I am still broken and contrite.

(Remember?)

But as I go,

His grace is still with me,

His presence, His peace. 

This love that's kept me close

And been faithful and true. 

So I come, 

Not for you,

But for this grace, faithful and true. 

I come not for him, but for You. 

Weak

There's a big story involved with this one. But right now, things aren't so nice. Not so nice at all. Things are really hard right now.
I feel pained. Heart pained. My friend Laura posted something on Facebook that said, "Sin ought not drive us away from Jesus, but rather towards Him. In our brokenness, we need Him most!" Amen, sister! In my weakness now, in my weakness that I've felt for the last few weeks, I have felt so needy of God, and I appreciate that. But, it's also not fun to feel weak. It feels weak to feel weak. And I don't like feeling weak. I like feeling that I can accomplish anything and be strong, but that's just not the case right now. I'm pained by a difficult relationship where the other party doesn't seem to understand anything. I'm frustrated by him, but also still feel drawn to like him, despite my frustration! I am pained. My heart burns.
But all of this has been building, despite the tearing down, in my relationship with my Master. Indeed, my Master. Through all of this, He has drawn me to Himself, breaking down my idols, breaking down my pride, breaking down everything that I have. And while that is so extremely tough to handle, God's got a plan for this, and it's a good plan. It's a plan to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future, to have me find Him (Jer. 29:11-14). Hallelujah.
Buts still, I could cry. One of my friends doesn't respond to my messages, and I haven't seen her since September. She has two jobs, so I think she could be busy, but I don't know--it doesn't make me feel good, or that she wants to see me. I want to hang out with her, to love who she is, not to try to change her or encourage her, but just to love her.

Holy Spirit lead me to some passages today:
-Psalm 18

-John 18:28-20:23
-Romans 1:21-25
-Romans 7:15-25
-Roman 8:35-39
-1 Corinthians 6:12
-Hebrews 4:16
-Hebrews 5:8
-Hebrews 12:1-13

Read them if you like. Pray for me, please, for endurance, patience, trust, perseverance, obedience.
Thank you.

Paul, David, and Orion

Hello, hello!
Procrastinating again, but I've been through a lot lately, or seemingly, and have much to reflect upon.
Recently, yesterday, I made the decision to distance myself from a friend; the relationship hasn't been healthy for me, and it's apparent that the relationship's stagnant, unmoving. While I feel somewhat excited for the prospect of freedom from these worries stemming from the friendship, I feel sad. My mind longs still to see this friend. I feel weak; weak for reverting to my "old" way of thinking--if I could just text my friend, go to their house, laugh and smile and feel special with them. But, no, Gabri! I think to myself, How could you be so dull? Give it up, as you should have done months ago!
And yet, I feel weak, and so sort of ashamed of myself really. However, I gain hope from what Paul says:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Cor. 12:9-10

I took my friend to the doctor sometime last week. No one else could do it, and I wanted to be there for him. The whole time, I struggled with my motives: is this for him? for me, to gain attention and affection from him? for the Lord, to love someone else for Him? Why am I doing this? I literally spent the whole day with my friend at the doctor's office, at the pharmacy, at the grocery store, at his apartment, making him soup as he slept from pain medication. Why, why, why did I think I could gain anything except pain and disillusionment?!
I don't trust my friend very much. I don't know his intentions, his motives, his true thoughts. What's real, I wonder. All the while, I do believe he's very honest, but just stupid, sooo dull and unaware of his behavior. It's so frustrating!
And, in this painful frustration, I still want him. Why? I don't know.
In this post, I lay out my weakness, boasting in Christ, because in this situation, Jesus is here (although I have felt blind to Him this entire time). He is here. In this situation, Christ graciously gives me strength and works out His perfect will. In this situation, I can trust Him. David writes in the last line of Psalm 55, "But as for me, I trust in you," after writing about anguish and betrayal and distress. As for me, I will trust in You.
And, as I trust and wait for You, You make a promise to me:  "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"   -Isaiah 30:18
I haven't known what waiting on You looks like; I still don't know. I do, however, have comfort in these words, in your encouragement about waiting. Help me wait. Help me in my feeble weakness. Help me do what You want me to do, because without You, I have no way. I love you, my lord.
Thanks for the stars tonight and Orion.

Solace