Lawdy

Today, I was thinking about something really interesting. Lately, in the past week or so, I've been feeling influenced on how to be a woman, from YouTube videos and friends from Christian Challenge and my younger sister. I've come to a conclusion, after thinking about all of these things, that being a woman does not mean wearing makeup, being obsessed with men, being ladylike, or even getting rid of leg hair. At the heart of the matter, being a woman isn't all about appearances, but about the heart, the inner self. And, I have heard before that you go to Christ if you want to be a true woman, that in Him you find out/are transformed.
And, honestly, I have some apprehension about that because I know that that means living for Christ, living with Him. I truly desire to live for Him, as a living sacrifice, and be with Him, but that thought scares me because it means giving up control and my will, and my comfort. I kept thinking about the long-term and how I feel now. I understand my desire for Him, and to be a woman completely in Him, but now, when I have to make a choice, my emotions--darn them--don't want this, they don't want to be uncomfortable. I feel frustrated because of my hesitation in this matter, that I think maybe Jesus isn't worth it somehow. But, I know I must make this decision. I have come to Him about this, and chosen to trust Him in this, relying on Him, which I think is a good thing. However, I still feel apprehensive.
Something that's been brought to my attention these past two weeks is that God is more powerful than my emotions and that He has more control than they do. He'll always be more powerful than them, but still, I listen to this sneaky, destructive voice whispering lies into my ear.
But, alas, God is more powerful than that voice, too! But, there's a difference between knowing something to be true and believing it to be true.
I was speaking with my friend last Saturday about Christianity in different cultures. She traveled to Scotland last summer and had gone to church there once. She told me that church in the UK isn't as emotionally-based as it is here in the States. There, the message is spoken ("There it is, that's the truth."), but here, pastors emphasize words and pace and evoke emotion.
While I think that emotion in spiritual matters is great--sometimes--I don't want to put all my eggs in Emotion's basket, of course. It's not practical. I think emotions serve a purpose, but that aren't all that rational and discerning. For example, I desire to make a choice to live in abandonment to God, but my emotions are telling me to do opposite despite the fact that I know Jesus' way is better and more meaningful and satisfying. How do I spin a 180, repent, from here?
I heard once that Jesus didn't let His emotions get the best of Him. Perhaps it's not that He had complete control over them Himself, but I heard that He gave them up to God, in order to glorify Him. Jesus wasn't a stoic guy, He expressed His emotions, but He didn't rely on them to make decisions. He relied on His Father, and was in constant communication with Him. I admire that.
So, now that my thoughts are laid on this page, I'm not quite sure what to do. I should do homework.

Father, lead me.


If you'd like to listen to a song, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCdusougp0o

Late Night Talks

A blogpost, a blogpost.
At late night dinner at the dorms, and my evening, my evening was shaking up. Tummy problems and uncomfortable feelings and the wonderful family of my friend. I have a friend who was seeing a guy for a while, but she absolutely fell in love with his family and still sees them regularly every week.
I really like my friend's family. They're so godly and caring and vulnerable and fun. It's so good to see my friend with his family. But also, I had a vulnerable conversation briefly with my friend, in which I had to expose some deep, unsure feelings. And I had to ask him to wait. And he accepted. Praise God for this new happening and for His presence in it. Halle-hallelujah.

I smell like pancakes.
There are people outside my door, cursing and laughing.
There are men playing basketball loudly outside.
I am up late.



And now, the reveal of a poem of mine:


Pit Hair: A Lament

Why do you grow?

I'm so tired and I feel like I should read so many books:

Boundaries in Dating by Cloud and Townsend
The Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen
Set-Apart Femininity by Leslie Ludy
The Chronicles of Narnia:  Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling
and even Lady in Waiting by Kendall and Jones

I'm currently reading three of the six books listed above--I just started Set-Apart Femininity and am almost finished with Harry and the Pevensies.

I'm going through some changes that are shaking me up, but the Lord is faithful and He has control here, there, and everywhere. I'm nervous and frustrated and excited, but He's here. So, hallelujah, Father. Do what You do.

By the way, I found two dark, hairy caterpillars today. I thought I killed both of them when I poked them with a stick, and they curled up, so still. But, one of them started to crawl again, and even reared up on his hind legs when my camera got too close.

"Back up off me!"

Pride

So often, I try to make things right, but it really doesn't work that way. Every time, not even in reality (like, I think the situations gets better, but for me, inside, it's worse or even the situation itself is bad) I make things still unfixed, and I think that's a human thing. 'Cause Jesus said, "If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing,' and I think that He gets it.
By ourselves, we will fail and dig ourselves deeper and deeper down into a hole, so that it's impossible for us to climb out alone. But, when we're living in Jesus, we're intimately with Him so that He's inside me and I'm inside Him, so I know part of what He knows, so I know what He wants, and I can face the world with Him. So, in situations where I want to help somebody I love but am afraid of failing, trying to please them alone, or I don't know what they need, Jesus lets me know what to do, according to what He knows they need and/or what He wants for them. So, with Him, I'd be more effective and I'd be with Jesus, anyway. And, going along with that hole analogy, when I am in Jesus, I can and still fail, and I can dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole, but I have the hope and the assurance, through His love, that Jesus will save me.
...
Also, thinking about it, Jesus wants us to lay ourselves down for Him because He knows what we'd get ourselves into if we followed whatever we want, and He wants to protect us from that, and, I think, He wants us to experience what He has planned for us, because it's the best for us, going back to Jesus' amazing love. He saved us from all of our sins, the whole world, so He could make us pleasing and shiny to His Father, "meet the parents;" He loves us!
But, going back to laying the self down, that's hard, and I don't think it's meant to be easy. I think we're supposed to consider what we have and decide if we think Jesus is worth more than all that. It's a hard decision, at least for me. It requires--shall I say it?--dedication, commitment, and love [and even humility]...

--an excerpt from my duh-duh-duh-da journal

I Have Time

When I first began blogging, about seven months ago, I usually made posts because I was procrastinating from doing homework. I wanted to share details of my life. Like the friend who unloads her complete list of problems, I felt/feel like I have a lot to share when I am stressed. And, guess what? I still post things here, on this little page, when I procrastinate. But, lately, I've found myself very busy. With what? I don't know. Family life, homework, friends, مابعرف.
But, this week has been nice, let me tell you.
My small group has been reading this book, The Praying Life by Paul E. Miller, and it's super good. Miller shares that prayer is how we build a relationship with God and get to know Him better. He talks about being childlike and relying and trusting God daily, daily, daily. It's been so good for me to read this book, mainly because I tend to get self-conscious about my prayers, if they please God, and if they're good. But, this book, in one part, said that when you are having a conversation with someone, you usually focus on spending time with them, not just the words being said. So, think about how you talk with your friend, or sister, or brother, or parents, etc. When you want to enjoy their company and talk with them, you focus on the person, not just the conversation.
I appreciate what Miller has to say. It is helpful.
Good morning!

Wow, people read my blog!

I didn't know that. I found out that people from Canada, Russia, South Korea, and Latvia have read my blog, as well as folks from the United States. Wow! I didn't know that anyone besides my sister and maybe coworker read my blog. Thanks, guys!

Inadequacy

Feeling imperfect sometimes feels nice, but sometimes it feels bad. But, I am imperfect and was made to be this way. So, don't lament over it; it's fine. Seeing beautiful, successful women makes me feel insecure about myself. I wish that I could be supportive of them, and not focus on myself nearly as much as I do. Ladies with soft, smooth skin and beautiful eyes. Ladies with slim, even too slim, bodies. Ladies with fashionable, unique clothing. With lovely voices. With virtue and godliness. Is it that I am blind to myself? Who am I? Can I look beyond myself?
I heard or read somewhere that it's best to look at God, at Him, when you feel badly about yourself.
I haven't been doing that so much.
But, that when you don't focus on yourself, but on Him and His glory, you feel better. Maybe that's just a shallow way of explaining it, but I think it's true. While looking at Jesus and His righteousness, I think that my own shortcomings don't matter very much. I think that His love matters more in that moment. I think that's beautiful. So, maybe I will intentionally look to Him, although it's hard and perhaps not so fun, because it's better.  Hallelujah.

Afterwards...

I had a job interview today. When it was finished, my nerves needed some refreshing so I got a coffee milk tea with boba. I was really nervous afterwards.
^_^

Thanks for reading up on my life, even the little, odd details.

Procrast!

Please notice that the book is closed.

Faithful God

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord:
"Lord, save me!" The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion. (Psalm 116:1-5 NIV)

Discomfort, Hope, and Hunger Games

My psychology book is so boring. Chapter One is so long; it's crazy. I feel like I'm making no progress in my homework. I still need to do a take-home quiz for psychology, but I don't understand what it's asking me. I need to write two responses for Women in Pop Culture before Monday evening, but I don't really want to do this homework on the weekend, especially Sunday.
But, I've also been thinking about the Hunger Games lately: mostly about Jennifer Lawrence, the girl who played Katniss in the film, but also about the adventure and terrifying thrill of being in the Hunger Games. One of my sister's friend's sister participated in a mock-Hunger Games with her friends. They wore those tags for the football game that isn't tackle football, the ones that remind me of middle school P.E. And they formed alliances and played dead, but really their Games didn't involve any violence at all. They involved lots of running and hiding and group-forming, and even Sarah, my sister's friend's sister, had a Katniss-Peeta-like relationship with a boy (not exactly like Katniss and Peeta, though). But, I want that sort of adventure and thrill and excitement. I think that's one reason I like the Hunger Games books and movie. Katniss experiences [completely barbaric] adventure that I never have to face. I mean, I would most definitely not like to kill other people in order to survive, but if I could emulate running in the woods and making fires and forming alliances and climbing trees and shooting arrows like that, I would really like to. I'm craving a mock-Hunger Games here.
But, going back to homework and the stress involved there, I know that Jesus is good and faithful forever. I would like to believe that more, however, and to have that truth always be in my mind.
A few days ago, I was worrying about meeting new people on my dorm, but I really didn't have to worry because He made me make relationships with people. And He caused them to form. He controlled who exactly I met and what became. So, praise be to God.
I went to Christian Challenge yesterday, and I really liked the worship and message there. It seems like a place I want to be. They desire to focus on Jesus with their whole lives, even though they fail and sometimes don't do a good job of it. And I think I want to be a part of that. I desire to have Jesus in the center, instead of me; I really don't want to be in the center. So, I'm looking forward to this process. At the same time, honestly, I'm afraid of being uncomfortable, but I consider the outcome will be worth the toil. Like Romans 8:18, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
I'll share that quote with my friend; we're both uncomfortable now, starting college.
So, thank you for reading.

If you have any desire to start a mock-Hunger Games, please comment below. I mean it.

Update

So, college. It may be too fresh in my memory to talk about it right now, although it kind of, sort of defines part of my life. I am a college kid. Oh, my gosh. I feel more comfortable here than I did two days ago, way more than I did two days ago, perhaps that's expected. I don't see my roommate ever ("Where are you, Makayla?!"). I last saw her on Monday morning. I would like to get to know her more. I think I would like to know some people more. Like this one guy today!
Okay, I hadn't read my Old Testament homework until this morning, sitting outside of my Arabic classroom bedore it began. But, this guy sat next to me on this wall-bench, grinning. He said to me as I read Genesis 1, "I like your book." I smiled and told him that I was talking an Old Testament class. He replied that it would be hard. No worries. But, this boy had such a pleasant disposition as he sat next to me, and even told a fellow classmate about his nephew, that my mood was good. He unknowingly shared a bit of optimism with me. And I am grateful. I'm hoping that I get to see him again, at Christian Challenge or something tomorrow night. He wore a blue, striped shirt with suspenders, a cross necklace, and some greenish Chucks. It made me happy. Father made me happy with him.
I was reminded today of putting my hope in Christ, not in people as I meet them. If I do, I will be disappointed and unhappy with them and myself. However, if I trust Him instead, I think God's going to show me how beautiful His people are and how to love them and be a friend or acquaintance to them.
I consider that I am not to the point of being filled with joy by simply loving on people; I'm still very selfish and it's difficlt for me to truly listen to someone without thinking about my reactions. C'est la vie. That will come sometime. I will learn, by His grace.
But, I am feeling lonely, a bit, so maybe I demand peoples' attention because I want it on me. It would be cool if I received that sort of love from Jesus instead of people. I would like that. And it would be, I think, nice for all parties: the Lord, myself, and everyone else.
Did you notice how beautiful the day is as well? Lovely.

Ladies' Night

It was Ladies' Night and it was alright. Painting fingernails and toenails, popping popcorn, and watching..."SLEEPOVER!" Oh, yeah!

This 3rd Day of August in the Year 2012