Lawdy

Today, I was thinking about something really interesting. Lately, in the past week or so, I've been feeling influenced on how to be a woman, from YouTube videos and friends from Christian Challenge and my younger sister. I've come to a conclusion, after thinking about all of these things, that being a woman does not mean wearing makeup, being obsessed with men, being ladylike, or even getting rid of leg hair. At the heart of the matter, being a woman isn't all about appearances, but about the heart, the inner self. And, I have heard before that you go to Christ if you want to be a true woman, that in Him you find out/are transformed.
And, honestly, I have some apprehension about that because I know that that means living for Christ, living with Him. I truly desire to live for Him, as a living sacrifice, and be with Him, but that thought scares me because it means giving up control and my will, and my comfort. I kept thinking about the long-term and how I feel now. I understand my desire for Him, and to be a woman completely in Him, but now, when I have to make a choice, my emotions--darn them--don't want this, they don't want to be uncomfortable. I feel frustrated because of my hesitation in this matter, that I think maybe Jesus isn't worth it somehow. But, I know I must make this decision. I have come to Him about this, and chosen to trust Him in this, relying on Him, which I think is a good thing. However, I still feel apprehensive.
Something that's been brought to my attention these past two weeks is that God is more powerful than my emotions and that He has more control than they do. He'll always be more powerful than them, but still, I listen to this sneaky, destructive voice whispering lies into my ear.
But, alas, God is more powerful than that voice, too! But, there's a difference between knowing something to be true and believing it to be true.
I was speaking with my friend last Saturday about Christianity in different cultures. She traveled to Scotland last summer and had gone to church there once. She told me that church in the UK isn't as emotionally-based as it is here in the States. There, the message is spoken ("There it is, that's the truth."), but here, pastors emphasize words and pace and evoke emotion.
While I think that emotion in spiritual matters is great--sometimes--I don't want to put all my eggs in Emotion's basket, of course. It's not practical. I think emotions serve a purpose, but that aren't all that rational and discerning. For example, I desire to make a choice to live in abandonment to God, but my emotions are telling me to do opposite despite the fact that I know Jesus' way is better and more meaningful and satisfying. How do I spin a 180, repent, from here?
I heard once that Jesus didn't let His emotions get the best of Him. Perhaps it's not that He had complete control over them Himself, but I heard that He gave them up to God, in order to glorify Him. Jesus wasn't a stoic guy, He expressed His emotions, but He didn't rely on them to make decisions. He relied on His Father, and was in constant communication with Him. I admire that.
So, now that my thoughts are laid on this page, I'm not quite sure what to do. I should do homework.

Father, lead me.


If you'd like to listen to a song, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCdusougp0o

Late Night Talks

A blogpost, a blogpost.
At late night dinner at the dorms, and my evening, my evening was shaking up. Tummy problems and uncomfortable feelings and the wonderful family of my friend. I have a friend who was seeing a guy for a while, but she absolutely fell in love with his family and still sees them regularly every week.
I really like my friend's family. They're so godly and caring and vulnerable and fun. It's so good to see my friend with his family. But also, I had a vulnerable conversation briefly with my friend, in which I had to expose some deep, unsure feelings. And I had to ask him to wait. And he accepted. Praise God for this new happening and for His presence in it. Halle-hallelujah.

I smell like pancakes.
There are people outside my door, cursing and laughing.
There are men playing basketball loudly outside.
I am up late.



And now, the reveal of a poem of mine:


Pit Hair: A Lament

Why do you grow?

I'm so tired and I feel like I should read so many books:

Boundaries in Dating by Cloud and Townsend
The Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen
Set-Apart Femininity by Leslie Ludy
The Chronicles of Narnia:  Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling
and even Lady in Waiting by Kendall and Jones

I'm currently reading three of the six books listed above--I just started Set-Apart Femininity and am almost finished with Harry and the Pevensies.

I'm going through some changes that are shaking me up, but the Lord is faithful and He has control here, there, and everywhere. I'm nervous and frustrated and excited, but He's here. So, hallelujah, Father. Do what You do.

By the way, I found two dark, hairy caterpillars today. I thought I killed both of them when I poked them with a stick, and they curled up, so still. But, one of them started to crawl again, and even reared up on his hind legs when my camera got too close.

"Back up off me!"

Pride

So often, I try to make things right, but it really doesn't work that way. Every time, not even in reality (like, I think the situations gets better, but for me, inside, it's worse or even the situation itself is bad) I make things still unfixed, and I think that's a human thing. 'Cause Jesus said, "If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing,' and I think that He gets it.
By ourselves, we will fail and dig ourselves deeper and deeper down into a hole, so that it's impossible for us to climb out alone. But, when we're living in Jesus, we're intimately with Him so that He's inside me and I'm inside Him, so I know part of what He knows, so I know what He wants, and I can face the world with Him. So, in situations where I want to help somebody I love but am afraid of failing, trying to please them alone, or I don't know what they need, Jesus lets me know what to do, according to what He knows they need and/or what He wants for them. So, with Him, I'd be more effective and I'd be with Jesus, anyway. And, going along with that hole analogy, when I am in Jesus, I can and still fail, and I can dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole, but I have the hope and the assurance, through His love, that Jesus will save me.
...
Also, thinking about it, Jesus wants us to lay ourselves down for Him because He knows what we'd get ourselves into if we followed whatever we want, and He wants to protect us from that, and, I think, He wants us to experience what He has planned for us, because it's the best for us, going back to Jesus' amazing love. He saved us from all of our sins, the whole world, so He could make us pleasing and shiny to His Father, "meet the parents;" He loves us!
But, going back to laying the self down, that's hard, and I don't think it's meant to be easy. I think we're supposed to consider what we have and decide if we think Jesus is worth more than all that. It's a hard decision, at least for me. It requires--shall I say it?--dedication, commitment, and love [and even humility]...

--an excerpt from my duh-duh-duh-da journal

I Have Time

When I first began blogging, about seven months ago, I usually made posts because I was procrastinating from doing homework. I wanted to share details of my life. Like the friend who unloads her complete list of problems, I felt/feel like I have a lot to share when I am stressed. And, guess what? I still post things here, on this little page, when I procrastinate. But, lately, I've found myself very busy. With what? I don't know. Family life, homework, friends, مابعرف.
But, this week has been nice, let me tell you.
My small group has been reading this book, The Praying Life by Paul E. Miller, and it's super good. Miller shares that prayer is how we build a relationship with God and get to know Him better. He talks about being childlike and relying and trusting God daily, daily, daily. It's been so good for me to read this book, mainly because I tend to get self-conscious about my prayers, if they please God, and if they're good. But, this book, in one part, said that when you are having a conversation with someone, you usually focus on spending time with them, not just the words being said. So, think about how you talk with your friend, or sister, or brother, or parents, etc. When you want to enjoy their company and talk with them, you focus on the person, not just the conversation.
I appreciate what Miller has to say. It is helpful.
Good morning!

Wow, people read my blog!

I didn't know that. I found out that people from Canada, Russia, South Korea, and Latvia have read my blog, as well as folks from the United States. Wow! I didn't know that anyone besides my sister and maybe coworker read my blog. Thanks, guys!