Procrastinating again, but I've been through a lot lately, or seemingly, and have much to reflect upon.
Recently, yesterday, I made the decision to distance myself from a friend; the relationship hasn't been healthy for me, and it's apparent that the relationship's stagnant, unmoving. While I feel somewhat excited for the prospect of freedom from these worries stemming from the friendship, I feel sad. My mind longs still to see this friend. I feel weak; weak for reverting to my "old" way of thinking--if I could just text my friend, go to their house, laugh and smile and feel special with them. But, no, Gabri! I think to myself, How could you be so dull? Give it up, as you should have done months ago!
And yet, I feel weak, and so sort of ashamed of myself really. However, I gain hope from what Paul says:
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Cor. 12:9-10
I took my friend to the doctor sometime last week. No one else could do it, and I wanted to be there for him. The whole time, I struggled with my motives: is this for him? for me, to gain attention and affection from him? for the Lord, to love someone else for Him? Why am I doing this? I literally spent the whole day with my friend at the doctor's office, at the pharmacy, at the grocery store, at his apartment, making him soup as he slept from pain medication. Why, why, why did I think I could gain anything except pain and disillusionment?!
I don't trust my friend very much. I don't know his intentions, his motives, his true thoughts. What's real, I wonder. All the while, I do believe he's very honest, but just stupid, sooo dull and unaware of his behavior. It's so frustrating!
And, in this painful frustration, I still want him. Why? I don't know.
In this post, I lay out my weakness, boasting in Christ, because in this situation, Jesus is here (although I have felt blind to Him this entire time). He is here. In this situation, Christ graciously gives me strength and works out His perfect will. In this situation, I can trust Him. David writes in the last line of Psalm 55, "But as for me, I trust in you," after writing about anguish and betrayal and distress. As for me, I will trust in You.
And, as I trust and wait for You, You make a promise to me: "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" -Isaiah 30:18
I haven't known what waiting on You looks like; I still don't know. I do, however, have comfort in these words, in your encouragement about waiting. Help me wait. Help me in my feeble weakness. Help me do what You want me to do, because without You, I have no way. I love you, my lord.
Thanks for the stars tonight and Orion.