Writing at the Bux

Cornerstone

In one ear and put the other, 

All of this advice. 

"Stay aways" and "bootycalls"

But still I thought you were nice. 

Getting involved, planting myself;

So much harder to be uprooted,

And so painful, too. 

Tearing up roots, but some still remain. 

Why?

The aftermath, oh, the aftermath!

Building up after tearing down!

Keeping relations with everyone

But you. 

I could call you names

(At times I do),

But truth is this:

We both need grace. 

And as I go to this church,

I am reminded of you inevitably. 

I am still hurt and pained. 

I am still broken and contrite.

(Remember?)

But as I go,

His grace is still with me,

His presence, His peace. 

This love that's kept me close

And been faithful and true. 

So I come, 

Not for you,

But for this grace, faithful and true. 

I come not for him, but for You. 

Weak

There's a big story involved with this one. But right now, things aren't so nice. Not so nice at all. Things are really hard right now.
I feel pained. Heart pained. My friend Laura posted something on Facebook that said, "Sin ought not drive us away from Jesus, but rather towards Him. In our brokenness, we need Him most!" Amen, sister! In my weakness now, in my weakness that I've felt for the last few weeks, I have felt so needy of God, and I appreciate that. But, it's also not fun to feel weak. It feels weak to feel weak. And I don't like feeling weak. I like feeling that I can accomplish anything and be strong, but that's just not the case right now. I'm pained by a difficult relationship where the other party doesn't seem to understand anything. I'm frustrated by him, but also still feel drawn to like him, despite my frustration! I am pained. My heart burns.
But all of this has been building, despite the tearing down, in my relationship with my Master. Indeed, my Master. Through all of this, He has drawn me to Himself, breaking down my idols, breaking down my pride, breaking down everything that I have. And while that is so extremely tough to handle, God's got a plan for this, and it's a good plan. It's a plan to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future, to have me find Him (Jer. 29:11-14). Hallelujah.
Buts still, I could cry. One of my friends doesn't respond to my messages, and I haven't seen her since September. She has two jobs, so I think she could be busy, but I don't know--it doesn't make me feel good, or that she wants to see me. I want to hang out with her, to love who she is, not to try to change her or encourage her, but just to love her.

Holy Spirit lead me to some passages today:
-Psalm 18

-John 18:28-20:23
-Romans 1:21-25
-Romans 7:15-25
-Roman 8:35-39
-1 Corinthians 6:12
-Hebrews 4:16
-Hebrews 5:8
-Hebrews 12:1-13

Read them if you like. Pray for me, please, for endurance, patience, trust, perseverance, obedience.
Thank you.

Paul, David, and Orion

Hello, hello!
Procrastinating again, but I've been through a lot lately, or seemingly, and have much to reflect upon.
Recently, yesterday, I made the decision to distance myself from a friend; the relationship hasn't been healthy for me, and it's apparent that the relationship's stagnant, unmoving. While I feel somewhat excited for the prospect of freedom from these worries stemming from the friendship, I feel sad. My mind longs still to see this friend. I feel weak; weak for reverting to my "old" way of thinking--if I could just text my friend, go to their house, laugh and smile and feel special with them. But, no, Gabri! I think to myself, How could you be so dull? Give it up, as you should have done months ago!
And yet, I feel weak, and so sort of ashamed of myself really. However, I gain hope from what Paul says:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Cor. 12:9-10

I took my friend to the doctor sometime last week. No one else could do it, and I wanted to be there for him. The whole time, I struggled with my motives: is this for him? for me, to gain attention and affection from him? for the Lord, to love someone else for Him? Why am I doing this? I literally spent the whole day with my friend at the doctor's office, at the pharmacy, at the grocery store, at his apartment, making him soup as he slept from pain medication. Why, why, why did I think I could gain anything except pain and disillusionment?!
I don't trust my friend very much. I don't know his intentions, his motives, his true thoughts. What's real, I wonder. All the while, I do believe he's very honest, but just stupid, sooo dull and unaware of his behavior. It's so frustrating!
And, in this painful frustration, I still want him. Why? I don't know.
In this post, I lay out my weakness, boasting in Christ, because in this situation, Jesus is here (although I have felt blind to Him this entire time). He is here. In this situation, Christ graciously gives me strength and works out His perfect will. In this situation, I can trust Him. David writes in the last line of Psalm 55, "But as for me, I trust in you," after writing about anguish and betrayal and distress. As for me, I will trust in You.
And, as I trust and wait for You, You make a promise to me:  "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"   -Isaiah 30:18
I haven't known what waiting on You looks like; I still don't know. I do, however, have comfort in these words, in your encouragement about waiting. Help me wait. Help me in my feeble weakness. Help me do what You want me to do, because without You, I have no way. I love you, my lord.
Thanks for the stars tonight and Orion.

Solace

Chasing After the Wind and Sorts

Hello. For about a week I've been wanting to post something. I guess, I've thought about many things lately (that kind of happens in cycles to me). So, here I am!
Not only have I wanted to simply post something lately, but I've been wanting to post something good, something I'm proud to send out into the world. Something I would like to read if I was coming across this. But, I think that puts a lot of pressure on myself to write something that I consider good, and I don't want to do that.

On Saturday, my younger sister, my cousin, and I went to a movie in Newton. It was cheaper--student discounts, whoo-hoo! Initially, we were going to see "Safe Haven," a Nicholas Sparks-book-movie, you know, cheesy, semi-realistic, but not something that I would have watched on my own. However, my younger sister wanted to watch this zombie movie, "Warm Bodies." I thought that it would be twisted and gory and, again, not something that I would have watched on my own. But, with a series of events, my cousin and I were convinced of watching "Warm Bodies;" 78% of critics liked it, and only 13 % of critics like "Safe Haven." And, we arrived at the movie theater too late to see "Safe Haven." We watched "Warm Bodies."
It was GREAT! It made me feel grateful to be alive, with air in my lungs and a heart beat. I was amazed, so happily surprised, that the movie emphasized the power of love in changing people! Hallelujah! I really like watching the transformation of R with his speech, appearance, and how captivated the zombies were with love, a picture of a couple holding hands. Mmmmm; it was so nice.
I would also say that "Warm Bodies" is a hipster movie, with it's vinyl records, a Polaroid camera, functional clothing choices (with leather boots, of course), and a very dirty, red, zip-up hoody.
It is a great one, though. See it!

I'm confused about a lot of things. I think it may be easier for me to talk about some things instead of writing them down.

Joe

Right now, I'm suffering from a bad relationship with coffee. You'd think that I'm consuming too much of the stuff, a caffeine addiction. But, that's not the problem. I'm actually caught in between really wanting to drink coffee and not wanting to drink it because it'll dehydrate my body. !
It sounds really good, and I want the taste in my mouth, but not at the sake of sucking up all the water in my body. This predicament sounds really weird to me, like I shouldn't worry about it.
I really fear becoming addicted to coffee, but the idea is also kind of attractive to me. I'd be like a beatnik. But then, I wouldn't be able to function without coffee or Mountain Dew, with caffeine. I don't want that; it'd master me. I don't want anything to master me, but the Lord completely.

I'm also really confused about how Christians should behave. With smoking and drinking and swearing and joking and music choices. I want some clarity on this. I think I need to go to Jesus about this.

I'm Currently Reading Romans

It's amazing to me that Paul shared the gospel to the Romans in a letter. Praise be to the Lord!

This will bring you to the letter.

Yo, I gave myself a haircut. Praise the Lord it went well!

After doing a quick search online, I came across a great tutorial for cutting oneself's hair. I had been noticing scraggly ends, and I missed a hairdresser's appointment the week before Christmas, and I like doing things myself, and I feel dumb always asking my hairdresser, Johnna, for a trim. I figured, "I can trim my hair myself!" And, so I did. Once again, praise the Lord it went well!
The tutorial came from a blog/website called "And Then We Saved," about a woman's money-saving journey, complete with projects! I like it so much; I might continue reading it, going online only for her posts. But, this woman (let's call her Woman) found her tutorial on livejournal (http://feyeselftrim.livejournal.com/1827.html#cutid1).
Cutting my hair using this method was slightly difficult, seeing as my hair reaches my shoulders and not my mid-back. But, it was easy enough, and I feel pleased with the result.

Here's a picture of the aftermath:

Want some free music, courtesy of NoiseTrade?!

The Vespers! Boom-pow.