Wednesday, April 23


Oh, the languages I could take. But, which to take? I'd take two classes; I'd have to. German? French? Chinese?

Motivations. I want mine to be pure, especially regarding this choice. Why would I want to take German? It sounds awesome and I would sound awesome. I could communicate with Laura. But, Jonathan knows German, and I could impress him. Deep down, I think that's a thought. No, get out. 

Chinese. Exo-M sings in Chinese. I could understand their songs. I could communicate with Chinese students on campus. I could travel to China and Asia. I could get a job with the Department of Defense. I could understand Yixing. Lame.

French. French, though. (Exasperated sigh.) I could understand people in Lebanon, those who do not speak English. I would sound beautiful and foreign speaking French. I could sound snotty, too. It would be a really beautiful language to learn. It would. Should I learn French? Lord? What could You use the most in the near future and in the far-away future? What wouldn't I use to glorify myself?

Sunday, February 23


I just feel like crying. Like crying and wearing a hoodie. To be warm and held by the fabric and cry. To cry like a Korean drama actor, letting the tears well up in my eyes until the spill out and down my face. To cry without worrying how I look. To cry to let it out. To let out this hurt. To let out my discouragement. To let out all. 
But now, tears don't come. Praise the Lord. Wouldn't that be awkward and strange? This Katniss-dressed girl crying in the middle of the Barnes and Noble cafe, surrounded by people. Oh, gosh. Lord, save me. Help me do homework, I pray. Hallelujah. Amen. 

Saturday, January 4

All I Need Is You, So Tell Me What to Do

"...Cause you drive me crazy."

I'm meeting with a friend today. Really, the last time I set aside time to speak with her, we were talking about a boy. A boy who strung me around, a boy who wanted to have coffee with her, just as friends. I trust my friend, but also know that she and I have a different dynamic with boys. I think she's great; that she can enjoy boys just as her brothers and be friends with them. But that also intimidates me and sort of scares me, I think, because I am not that way. I enjoy boys, of course, but am less apt to initiate anything, especially one-on-one friend time. I seem to always think about chemistry. That's a bit stressful. I feel sort of negative, too, towards my friend, like she wants me to be more like her--maybe I need to be, maybe I don't--but I don't understand her way around boys. Is she nervous around them at all? Does she think about the possibility of romance with them when she's with them? Confusing. 
But, she enjoys me, and I really want to love her, serve her, and enjoy her in this time that we have together. That is my prayer. Oh, Lord. 
She lives in a different state now, going to school there, and I want to ask her about her life there and enjoy her like a good movie or book, like what Donald Miller says--but more, more than a good movie or book. Because she's a person, more diverse and complex and simple than a movie or book. So, that's my prayer, too. Hallelujah. 
I'm just nervous. Hold me, Lord. Amen. 

At the Bux.